Sunday, January 31, 2010

Exorcism, A gore experience

Hurm, i still got goose bump while writing this shit. Its been a day, and I guess everything getting better but the memories will keep on haunting me. I wish I dont have to sit to experience it again. Poor mama, she inherit something she didnt know. Its a bummer to face what she face. The process, the paranoid and the shame. Shame coz have to asked help of everybody else. Gore. Thats real gore. We all was beside her showing some support and helping all we can. I really pray to god mama and all of us would not have to face it again. I hope she"ll be more tougher. My lil sis told me how she was mocked and humiliated because of how I worked before the exorcism ritual was held. I really dont know why the heck people are always envy on our family. I didnt do anything to harm them or even touch them. But they keep on nosing around and make my mama looks bad. Im sorry mama, you have suffer to much to make sure we all life better. Tears was running down my eyes when I heard it. My brother told me to stand down. He is afraid my father will collapse if he heard what ppl had mock my mama. He's not doing so good. Damn I almost confronted my auntie who was making so much noise and humiliated my mama. Damn I have to be patience. And after that looking how she had to face, I cried. I tried to cry without showing my tears but I cant. Tears did break. Mama I love you. You and the one who always been there for me. Sorry If I make you suffer. Sorry if im a spoiled brat. I promise myself I would focus more in 2010 and I hope I will succeed to make you proud. And give you a better life. MAMA I LOVE YOU

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Supplementary Guy

Here I am, as usual, depressing over something I cant really get. Hurm Ive broken my promises to this new blog. sorry I guess im too sensitive now days. Every body said that im easily trippin. maybe its the pressure and the miseries I faught over this few month. Problems keep on smashing my brains and 2010 doesnt show any relief. I can bare all other problems but frankly anything to do about her, I almost cant handle. I wanted to back off, gave up on her but seriously but i cant dis attach to her. Its almost like unconditional love, I would do anything for her although she is seriously in love with other guy. I kinda hide my previous entry when I heard she will be terminated from her job. even all my emo fb status I deleted. Coz I felt that I wouldn't want to depress her more with my writings. I dont want to be the psycho friend or something. I came down to her off as I heard maybe its her last day at work. Just to cheer her up. being supportive and motivate her a bit. My line was barred and I went directly to her off without telling her. I called her using the public phone. Saying I was around and kinda drop off to check on her (I lied. Hurm.Actually I was there to see her). She was thankful, but she said she need to wait for her boss. theres some work to do and she told me that she had a 3month notice rather than 24hr notice (An info she forgot to text me hurm). So I waited at a cafe. Brainstorming on my Voltra project. She called eventually to check weather im around. she asked me to join her colleague for a TT session in Stevens. So I came along. Just b4 i step in the shop, i received an anonymous text msg, "Are U BZ?" I replied who is this. Then i remembered that its Suzie's (Another past came trembling in my door steps). Then I replied, "Nope as usual". She asked me, who is Suzie, I told her, its the girl who broke my heart and to me Im her second choice because Im fat! She was like, why didnt u told me before about her. I taught I did. No u did not! she replied. I told her briefly what happen then came another sms. "hehe...xjd nk ajak kuar..girlie nite la2nite. mmg need a shoulder to cry..very dah nangis pas solat td...much better" Hurm then I told her, looks like im always gonna be a shoulder to cry. Always. Thats what Im good at maybe. Sigh. She kinda trip off when she heard it. Maybe she sense the sarcasm in my tone. I dont know. I taught im letting go but frankly Im diving myself into a deeper shithole. She told me she wanted to work abroad. Maybe in Jakarta or more further. I was like, damn I need you. Please dont go. I was sad, but shes more likely to talk about the guy shes madly in love with. Maybe I odd to tell my self to buzz of from her life. Im nobody to her. Just another ordinary guy friend, nothing special about me. Same as thousand other guys. Maybe Im the fool who felt like she treated me special, special from other guys. Its me to be blame. I almost break when I was driving home. All her memories kept flashing. All her sms's all the pic she sent me, all of it. She did the same thing with other guys. I was in my imaginary world all this time.

I still remember her old house unit. I sent her back after 2 years of being online buddy. First date. (I blew my chance of not being honest with her about my feelings backthen).

I always like it when watching action/horror movies with her, she would close her ears when shes afraid. I"ll always smile when she did that coz It remind me of our 1st meetup. Sigh a rememberable quote. "You will always remember what you want to remember". So I think Im not that important to remember. I always be the supplementary guy, a shoulder to cry I guess....I always be the gateway plan or the second choice. Period

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Broken Promises = Jiwa Kacau

I promise myself that I wont be emotional, or down with this new blog. But I guess I just a human being. I broke it. Well about to broke it. Hurm its outing day with her again. I guess it is quite some time since I met her. Got some thing to pass to her too. Well wae had high tea at Pannaz in damansara perdana. I broke her self promise vegan thinggy with a bbq griled lamb chop...hahahhaha im good at getting ppl breake thier routine esspecially when it comes to eating. and then as usual the pep talk sessions. that what we do best. sharing things. After we are bored, we decided to watch a movie at Tropicana mall, its quite a quite mall. the tix are easy to get also. LEGION this time. What a bogus movie. Even worst I dont find it interesting at all. We was planning to o look for her new house. Suddenly her "bf" called. And she wanted to meet him. Well otw to the dropoff point (hahahahha) we talked about this guy. and we talked about our past;

XXX: Why dont you tackle me back then when we first met. I really taught you just wanted to be friends

Me: I was nobody back then. Just some fat boy that adore you.

XXX: Do I care about physical. I just wanna be happy if Im with some1

Me: I got low self esteem I guess. You were hanging out with rockstar and im just another nerd.
I was way back from your league.

XXX: If you were to make a move, I think we"ll be a couple for almost 4 years now. I dont know
in future but I really cant feel the connection right now as maybe we have been best friends for too long

Hurm, hurm & hurm. The scenes from "over her dead body" kept running in my head. I regret I dont have the balls to do it before. Even worst, I dont have the courage to do it now. Im afraid of losing you. If you would know how my heart scatter in pieces hearing that you cant love me the way I loved you. If you really know how pain full it is to stalk u on fb, ur blog and hoping you would say something about me. If you only could feel how hard I tried not to be what your xbf had been or how they treated you. If only you could know how pathethic I felt when you said you are deeply in love with somebody else or talked about other guys. I dont know why on earth I kept on hoping that you would change your mind and see me the way I see you.

Well I regret I didnt express my feelings when I had the chance. There 2 times and I blew all of it back then. OMG. What the fuck I was thinking back then? Anyway I hope you are happy with him. I"ll pray for you. I gave up now........................................................................................ PERIOD!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Stress Relief

We got stuck back with work and big problems. Then abg gave us an idea, Lets pack our work and go somewhere. I asked "Mane dowh?" Ahhh lets window shopping. So we went to 1utama and this what we got

Its good going back to Toys R Us. Sadly the store in 1utama looks like shit. It revives my chilhood memory. It was our coolest place to go when we were small. Damn. Atleast it put off some stream out of us. :P

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What If...

What if I die tonight?
Would it swept all my problems and miseries?
What If I love the loved
Would it fill my empty heart?
What if I Vanish tomorrow
Would the hatred become love?
What If Im not the person I am tonight
Would have I meet You and love you?
What if I lost my home
Would you offer me a roof for shelter?
What if I hate you
Would anybody listen to my blabbers?
What If I stop right now
Would you be happy with them?
What if the things that I wouldn't know happen
Would you lie on my shoulder and cry?
What If I'm lost and never found my way back
Would you trail my scent to save me?
What if I loose my senses
Would you be my eyes & ears?
What if and what If
You are the only reason i live
Would you love me the way i love you?

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Aku bosan dengan hidup,

Aku blur dan mancari-cari arah

Aku xtau ape nk jadi

Hidup terumbang ambing

Mcm dilambung ombak mengulung-gulung

Hati gundah gulana

Bilakah akan tamat......tuhan tolong!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Thanks all for the birthday wishes. My fb was swarmed with wishes, pics and all. I really aprreciate it alot. I taught no one remembered. Im glad u all cheer me up coz I really felt so empty this past few days. Work kinda mess up. I have no mood to do anything. Keep up thinking and hoping. damn its kinda like my pathetic birthday. I just wish someone would buy me a cupcake with a candle and scream "Happy Birthday" I guess its all in my fantasies. If anyone would buy me a slice of cake its have been the greatest gift I guess. Whats a birthday without cakes. Ha Ha Ha and for those who forgot, Thank you.

Friday, January 1, 2010

A good start 2010

Well mama woke me up, Can you bring us for dinner tonite. Ain wants so Thai Food, I was like, Ok meet me up at the shop. Mama said she was going to 1utama this evening. window shopping. So out of nowhere, I said to her and Ain, Ok dont forget to buy my presents k. Its just few days ahead. And you"ll be in Melaka that day. They all replied, Ahh demanding. Hahahahah I was joking. but end up after dinner they gave me this black elegant box with red ribbons. I was like, You guys baught me a prezzie? Damn Im flattered. Its my early prezzie this year Here is it. Thanks ain, mama & papa. Appreciate it alot.

The prezzie packaging

The prezzie, A kewl shirt

At least its a good sign for 2010, I hope my families & friends would remember my birthday in the future.

Hello Two Zero One Zero

New year again, sigh. Its kinda fast year. Everything is spinning like 300000 rpm haha. New year resolution? well I dont do resolutions coz i do believe i cant fulfill it. But I have Wishlist. I have prepared some wish list and I hope I can fullfil all of it. :P And I just pray to allah that he would give me & my families a better health, wealth and all that I have work hard the past years pays me back. My wishlist for 2010 is first and foremost,

Start my bobber project. Its been a dream come true if I could even buy a bike

Backpacking around Europe. Damn been hoping to do this a long time already.

If I cant go to Europe, please I need this white sandy beach (Gold Coast:Aussie)

I need a house by the beach. This condo just gave me the ambient of living in florida babe. The architecture, the surroundings and with the plane flying low to touchdown at Penang's airport. Damn drooling

And the ultimatum, my dearest Subaru Legacy. The sports wagon I always wanted.

I hope I can fulfill all my wishlist in 2010. Amin! New year eve. Hurm I almost sat at home and watch TV. Nowdays Im quite reluctant to go to the crowded areas and celebrate. Maybe Its true, Im old already. Many ppl said im more mature looking and and im a big brother. Regardless abang being older than me.Siggghhhhh. But We endup at Balakong Jaya, to Botak's BBQ party. We was kinda late but the food was like theres 20 people more coming. We are the sweeper than :P well it was fun meeting old friends and new 1. Laugh at things and most of all, food galore!!!

Seafood BBQ +Pizza

Food galore

With the usher that nite. Mr Miowww